Dear Everyone;
Sad news from todays press releases and some good news further down the page.
Apparently the Bush regime in order to pay for its mis-adventures has reached agreements with several corporate sponsors. Bush has sold the ownership rights to national monuments to various corporations for vast undisclosed sums of money. The following are copies of the press releases.
Taco Bell Buys The Liberty Bell
In an effort to help the national debt, Taco Bell is pleased to announce that we have agreed to purchase the Liberty Bell, one of our country's most historic treasures. It will now be called the "Taco Liberty Bell" and will still be accessible to the American public for viewing. While some may find this controversial, we hope our move will prompt other corporations to take similar action to do their part to reduce the country's debt.
Ford Motor Company Buys Lincoln Memorial
To assist the nation in its time of crisis and the War on Terrorism the Ford Motor Company formally announced after private negotiations with the US Park Service and the concurrence of President Bush the sale of the Lincoln Memorial has been approved. Henceforth, the Lincoln Memorial will now be formally known as the: " Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial". Visiting hours will not be disrupted and local car dealers will provide escorted tours and discounts on all Ford Motor cars to anyone visiting the Lincoln Mercury Memorial during the Spring Cleaning Special Sale days.
GE Company Buys the Statue of Liberty
The GE Company announced today that its Light Bulb division has purchased rights to the Statue of Liberty. The Statue of Liberty torch will be replaced by a specially designed 10,000 watt outdoor halogen lamp. The light will be designed using special filters to flash red - white - blue streaks of light replicating the colors of the American flag. While the colors will be visible during daylight hours at night the flashing lights are expected to be visible on the horizon as far as 75 miles inland and up to 100 miles out to sea. The new name of the memorial will be the " GE Light Bulb Of Liberty".
Other memorial sales are expected to be announced as final arrangements are made for the necessary documents to be signed and approved.
Pending is the United Defense military contractors purchase of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall. The new proposed name will be the " United Defense Vietnam Veterans Defense Contractors Memorial Wall".
There is a separate deal pending for Jefferson Pilot Financial Insurance Companies to purchase the Jefferson Memorial. The new proposed name will be the: "Jefferson Pilot Financial Jefferson Memorial and Insurance Kiosk".
The Boise Cascade Paper Company is in final negotiations for Yellowstone Park with the new proposed name to be the:" Boise Cascade Yellowstone Clearcut Park and Paper Mill".
The Trojan Condom purchase of the Washington Monument has been temporarily halted and has been sent back to committee. The Trojan Condom company proposal to have Christo wrap the Washington Monument in a giant condom has caused consternation among the Bush people.
Various factions of the Bush administration strongly believe wrapping the Washington Monument in a giant condom would send the wrong message. Mainly because none of the men in the Bush administration could use an extra-giant ultra-large condom. The Bush people believe it could promote comparison shopping among lobbyists who would believe the men of the Bush administration wouldn't measure up to the standards set by the Washington Monument.
Other Bush factions believe wrapping the Washington Monument in a giant condom is completely contrary to their " abstinence is better " school sex training program and promotes reckless sexual behavior.
( If only George H.W. Bush had practiced abstinence with Barbara Bush.)
GOOD NEWS FOR LEFT HANDED LIBERTARIANS:
Burger King Announces New Whopper Design for Left Handed People
Burger King announced the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. The new Whopper will include the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), however, all the condiments will be rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. Burger King stated Whopper customers will be asked if they want the left or right handed versions.
Burger King upon advice of its legal counsel wants you to know the request is not to be construed as a Burger King commentary, directly or indirectly, or inadvertently, on the individual customers: race,sex, creed, age, religion, color, political beliefs, occupational status, resident or immigrant alien status, eating habits, dietary standards, marital status, life style, sexual standards, ethical beliefs, educational status or any other perceived standard regardless of whether or not the standard exists and is a known standard or it does not exist and is an unknown standard.
Burger Kings reminds you todays safety tip is: Look both ways before crossing the street.
Burger King on advice of its legal counsel states it does not or will not accept any liability if you only look one way and get creamed by a car, truck, bus,van SUV, semi tractor trailer rig, train engine or low flying airplane coming from the other way. The above aforementioned list of vehicles is not to be construed as being exhaustive and is an example of vehicles. Burger King does not and will not exempt any type of vehicle from the limited list listed above of vehicles.There will be no future liability accepted for a vehicle not on the vehicle list. The definition of vehicles will be printed and posted and be available by request at all Burger King outlets with a reminder the list is not exhaustive.
Burger King - Have It Your Way!!!
Hope you enjoyed these news briefs for Friday April 1, 2005. HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S Day!
Ron Getty
SF Libertarian