The Second Ark
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another
Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the
Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six
months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard...but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need For
a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the
Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would
be coming to us, but they would not hear of it. Getting the wood was
another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save
the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed
the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then
the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd Conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to
resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades
unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union
workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS
seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to
finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Heller * Manus
221 Main Street Suite 940
San Francisco CA 94105