35) Americans demand increased protection from selves

The Onion
    by staff

"Alarmed by the unhealthy choices they make every day, more and more
Americans are calling on the government to enact legislation that
will protect them from their own behavior. ... 'It's not just about
Americans eating too many fries or cracking their skulls open when
they fall off their bicycles,' said Los Angeles resident Rebecca
Burnie, 26. 'It's a financial issue, too. I spend all my money on
trendy clothes and a nightlife that I can't afford. I'm $23,000 in
debt, but the credit-card companies keep letting me spend. It's
obscene that the government allows those companies to allow me to do
this to myself. Why do I pay my taxes?'" [satire] (11/05/03)